"Crazy keeps you from going insane, and it is God's way of getting you to crack up, as in smile and laugh, at yourself and the situation." ~ John-Roger Hinkins
A small-minded man I know recently called a woman I love, “a nut-case." I found his label annoying, since, while he is a creative musician, he is clearly under-developed in his awareness of people and the Universe in a particular way. Anything he doesn't understand, that doesn't fit in his box, that isn't the "norm" gets neatly labeled "crazy" and tucked away in his “nut-case” box forever. Isn't that what so many people do with so many people they just don't "grok." And isn't that what so many people do with ways of life, ideas and concepts that don't match their own? They simply label them WRONG. And "crazy" is a really easy way to make someone or something wrong, because our culture doesn't value "craziness" and doesn’t realize how important some of that state can be to being healthy.
As both a psychologist and a minister, I have found that sometimes, as people do Inner Work to break free of the mental and emotional cages they find themselves imprisoned in, they must explore aspects of themselves that other people simply hide from. Through this self-exploration, they learn about themselves and often become better people-- healthier, stronger and more compassionate. There is a wonderful quote by Maya Angelou in which she suggests (paraphrased) that we "invite our Demons in for tea or soup. . . and get to know them better. . . become friends with them," if we are ever to completely know ourselves and find True Peace and Compassion.
Rumi also spoke frequently of "madness" as being a legitimate and necessary aspect of one’s search for and finding of a deeply personal, intimate relationship with Spirit and Oneness with the Beloved. Take for example the following poem:
“The nafs is a sea of calm until it roars.
The nafs is a Hell that radiates little heat.
The nafs is an ankle-deep river you drown in.
Better to be ignorant of worldly concerns,
better to be mad and flee from self-interest,
better to drink poison and spill the water of life,
better to revile those who praise you,
and lend both the capital and the interest to the poor,
forgo safety and make a home in danger.
Sacrifice your reputation and become notorious.
I have tried caution and forethought;
from now on I will make myself mad.”~Rumi
Perhaps being "crazy"-- or a "nut-case," as this person described my friend-- is simply a matter of being sane enough, sensitive enough and "free" enough to explore, express and BE outside the box that so many people, including, obviously, even some artistic, seemingly "creative" people inhabit. Perhaps it is simply about being a big enough person to embrace all aspects of one’s self, including those that are somewhat uncomfortable and “dark.” And perhaps it is having the courage to not always match other people’s models.
I find that as I have become older-- more mature, healed and Whole-- and more attuned to and aligned with What Is, I have simply stopped labeling people so randomly. I look for the Best and the Good in everyone. I try to find qualities to enjoy about people, even if I do not necessarily understand them. I withhold my judgment of what is "normal," right and good more and more often, because I am acutely aware that I may not be seeing the whole picture. I allow room for the possibility that there may be something about the person or situation that is outside my range of experience and my value judgments.
John-Roger Hinkins also noted that if we could see into the deepest corners of our enemies’ Hearts, indeed the darkest corners of their Souls, we would have nothing but Compassion for them-- so why not have that Compassion, even if we are not able to peer that far into another person's Beingness. We can CHOOSE, even in OUR darkness, to have that big of a Heart . . . to be that Divine.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
BEING HAPPY
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections” ~ Anonymous
Sometimes lately, I find myself consumed by the weight of pain and misery I perceive in the world. I feel afraid for my own well-being and that of my children and loved ones. I worry that we may suffer irreparable harm, and that we may be defeated in our quest for abundance, happiness and peace. I am overwhelmed with the sense that the world is a mean, scary, unloving, unsupportive place—and that I can do nothing to change that. I ask myself repeatedly how I can continue to live here, when life consistently falls so short of my expectations. I even wonder how we can continue to survive as a planet if we continue doing as we are doing.
Depression. Hopelessness. Despair. I feel these inside of me and hear similar feelings expressed by those around me. As a psychologist, I understand these feelings, and as a human being I find them just as challenging to deal with as my clients and friends do. But in these times of great challenge, I have delineated a way to come to terms with these dark feelings and to deal with difficult situations more effectively. I have found a way to thrive even when life is not “occurring” as I would prefer.
STEP ONE: Acknowledge what is going on—don’t run from it. Don’t try to hide. Sit down. Take a deep breath and simply focus on whatever is going on in life that is disturbing you. Observe everything, but without judging or trying to “fix” it. Notice how you feel and what you are thinking. Just BE with the situation exactly the way it is.
STEP TWO: Change your focus—look around and notice nice things around you. Feel the air on your skin. Notice the daffodil breaking through the soil nearby. Perhaps there are children laughing or a bird singing that you can hear. Notice your environment and the beauty that is innately present in it.
Count your blessings, whatever those might be. Perhaps a starting point is being grateful that you can hear that bird or see the daffodil. Perhaps the blessings in your life include a loving family, a great mate, a job you love, a nice dog, a home. Perhaps your blessings are different than those, but whatever your blessings are, take a moment to notice them. Simply pay attention to all the Goodness in your life for a few minutes and “fill your cup.”
Then express Gratitude for all of it—on paper, out loud or in your mind. The purpose of this step is to BALANCE the weight of the negativity you have been witnessing or experiencing. Doing this will shift your mental/emotional perspective. The situations in your life that have been troubling you will still exist, but they won’t be so in the forefront of your thoughts.
STEP THREE: Acknowledge your lack of CONTROL—come present with your “powerlessness.” We have heard this from every 12-step program. Here it is again. CONTROL has been called “the MASTER ADDICTION.” I have found that to be a pretty accurate statement. In all truthfulness, most of us would like to control everyone and everything in our lives, perhaps in hopes of preventing loss, lack, fear or pain from touching our world. But-- also in all truthfulness-- we have little to no control over many circumstances in the world. We cannot control the spin of the earth on its axis, the climate, the rhythms of nature, the flow of time, aging, taxes and death. We cannot control the thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions or reactions of the people around us, whether they be our loved ones or our cohorts and leaders at work or in the world. It doesn’t matter that we think we might see a better path for the world or others to take or a more effective way of doing things; the world just keeps on spinning the way it spins. People keep doing the things they need or want to do, learning what they learn and creating what they create for themselves. Most situations and circumstances that impact us (directly or indirectly), often originate to a large degree outside our personal sphere of influence (i.e.: the collapse of the job market and/or housing industry, loved ones’ deaths, the economy and political environment, the outcome of loved ones’ relationships, other people’s decisions, etc. , etc.).
SO, to me, at some point, we need to acknowledge that we are NOT IN CHARGE of everything. Even if we are as conscious, responsible and accountable as we can possibly bring ourselves to be, we are not creating most events and circumstances that happen to and around us, so we cannot UNcreate them either.
STEP FOUR: Take action in the areas that are yours to handle. Whatever any given situation calls for you to do, simply do it. Accept what is going on and surrender to doing what is required of you. Do it and do it as well as you can.
STEP FIVE: Be empowered in the areas you can control. Enjoy what you are doing. Love the place you find yourself in as much as possible. Think good thoughts about whatever is going on. Look for the hidden gifts, learning experiences and unexpected blessings that might be present in unpleasant circumstances. Adjust your perception so you can feel okay about whatever is going on.
Laugh a lot, even if nothing seems funny. Find the humor that is present, though often hidden, in most situations.
Do things that make you happy—have another cup of great coffee, take your dog for a walk, meditate, kiss, read a good book, take a long bubble bath or whatever it is that reminds you that life here can be de-Light-full!
Do Good wherever you can. Love and encourage the people around you as they go through their hard times. Assist them if you have the resources to do that. Do service in bigger arenas if that is available.
Make sure that your personal world stays as fun, safe, loving and healthy as possible– and share that with your loved ones, family and friends. Take care of YOURSELF, so you can help take care of others. Nurture your own ten acres, so you can be a point of solace, sanity and laughter for others when they need that.
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything in Life is perfect. It means that I have seen the imperfections and decided to look beyond them,” focusing instead on the inherent Beauty, Loving and Goodness of Life.
Indeed, recently, I have decided it is enough to simply be happy, just as I am, and just as Life is.
And after that-- I do what I can.
Sometimes lately, I find myself consumed by the weight of pain and misery I perceive in the world. I feel afraid for my own well-being and that of my children and loved ones. I worry that we may suffer irreparable harm, and that we may be defeated in our quest for abundance, happiness and peace. I am overwhelmed with the sense that the world is a mean, scary, unloving, unsupportive place—and that I can do nothing to change that. I ask myself repeatedly how I can continue to live here, when life consistently falls so short of my expectations. I even wonder how we can continue to survive as a planet if we continue doing as we are doing.
Depression. Hopelessness. Despair. I feel these inside of me and hear similar feelings expressed by those around me. As a psychologist, I understand these feelings, and as a human being I find them just as challenging to deal with as my clients and friends do. But in these times of great challenge, I have delineated a way to come to terms with these dark feelings and to deal with difficult situations more effectively. I have found a way to thrive even when life is not “occurring” as I would prefer.
STEP ONE: Acknowledge what is going on—don’t run from it. Don’t try to hide. Sit down. Take a deep breath and simply focus on whatever is going on in life that is disturbing you. Observe everything, but without judging or trying to “fix” it. Notice how you feel and what you are thinking. Just BE with the situation exactly the way it is.
STEP TWO: Change your focus—look around and notice nice things around you. Feel the air on your skin. Notice the daffodil breaking through the soil nearby. Perhaps there are children laughing or a bird singing that you can hear. Notice your environment and the beauty that is innately present in it.
Count your blessings, whatever those might be. Perhaps a starting point is being grateful that you can hear that bird or see the daffodil. Perhaps the blessings in your life include a loving family, a great mate, a job you love, a nice dog, a home. Perhaps your blessings are different than those, but whatever your blessings are, take a moment to notice them. Simply pay attention to all the Goodness in your life for a few minutes and “fill your cup.”
Then express Gratitude for all of it—on paper, out loud or in your mind. The purpose of this step is to BALANCE the weight of the negativity you have been witnessing or experiencing. Doing this will shift your mental/emotional perspective. The situations in your life that have been troubling you will still exist, but they won’t be so in the forefront of your thoughts.
STEP THREE: Acknowledge your lack of CONTROL—come present with your “powerlessness.” We have heard this from every 12-step program. Here it is again. CONTROL has been called “the MASTER ADDICTION.” I have found that to be a pretty accurate statement. In all truthfulness, most of us would like to control everyone and everything in our lives, perhaps in hopes of preventing loss, lack, fear or pain from touching our world. But-- also in all truthfulness-- we have little to no control over many circumstances in the world. We cannot control the spin of the earth on its axis, the climate, the rhythms of nature, the flow of time, aging, taxes and death. We cannot control the thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions or reactions of the people around us, whether they be our loved ones or our cohorts and leaders at work or in the world. It doesn’t matter that we think we might see a better path for the world or others to take or a more effective way of doing things; the world just keeps on spinning the way it spins. People keep doing the things they need or want to do, learning what they learn and creating what they create for themselves. Most situations and circumstances that impact us (directly or indirectly), often originate to a large degree outside our personal sphere of influence (i.e.: the collapse of the job market and/or housing industry, loved ones’ deaths, the economy and political environment, the outcome of loved ones’ relationships, other people’s decisions, etc. , etc.).
SO, to me, at some point, we need to acknowledge that we are NOT IN CHARGE of everything. Even if we are as conscious, responsible and accountable as we can possibly bring ourselves to be, we are not creating most events and circumstances that happen to and around us, so we cannot UNcreate them either.
STEP FOUR: Take action in the areas that are yours to handle. Whatever any given situation calls for you to do, simply do it. Accept what is going on and surrender to doing what is required of you. Do it and do it as well as you can.
STEP FIVE: Be empowered in the areas you can control. Enjoy what you are doing. Love the place you find yourself in as much as possible. Think good thoughts about whatever is going on. Look for the hidden gifts, learning experiences and unexpected blessings that might be present in unpleasant circumstances. Adjust your perception so you can feel okay about whatever is going on.
Laugh a lot, even if nothing seems funny. Find the humor that is present, though often hidden, in most situations.
Do things that make you happy—have another cup of great coffee, take your dog for a walk, meditate, kiss, read a good book, take a long bubble bath or whatever it is that reminds you that life here can be de-Light-full!
Do Good wherever you can. Love and encourage the people around you as they go through their hard times. Assist them if you have the resources to do that. Do service in bigger arenas if that is available.
Make sure that your personal world stays as fun, safe, loving and healthy as possible– and share that with your loved ones, family and friends. Take care of YOURSELF, so you can help take care of others. Nurture your own ten acres, so you can be a point of solace, sanity and laughter for others when they need that.
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything in Life is perfect. It means that I have seen the imperfections and decided to look beyond them,” focusing instead on the inherent Beauty, Loving and Goodness of Life.
Indeed, recently, I have decided it is enough to simply be happy, just as I am, and just as Life is.
And after that-- I do what I can.
Friday, May 1, 2009
WHO AM I?
I was chatting with a friend of mine this AM. She was telling me about a project she is part of that involves doing personal growth work with inmates of a prison. She was telling me about one woman who has impressed her. She mentioned a comment the woman had made:
"I am not defined by these walls; I am defined by who I am."
WOW-- I was moved by that statement. It represented a huge amount of personal freedom in this woman and also a willingness to be totally accountable for her life, despite many limitations.
I found myself contemplating how sometimes I am tempted to let challenging circumstances define me, and how likely it is that many people are doing that same thing right now as they lose their jobs, homes, money and etc. It is very easy in the midst of all that loss to think that one has also lost one's identity-- or that since that “stuff” is gone, one's “self” is gone also. After all, if one hasn't practiced defining oneself by something other than "things," positions or roles-- it can be pretty darn empty and scary without them.
I had the experience over the last few years of losing many things I identified with as "Who I Am." Several close friends died over a two year period. I lost my mom and my sister. I experienced the intense and painful break-up of a long term relationship after discovering my partner had lied to me and cheated for a very long time (destroying even my perception of him and what we had had together). All that was interspersed with six months of pneumonia and a year struggling with the lingering after-effects of that (so my usual state of health was gone). Then my youngest child decided to move into her own place. I sold my home of 24 years, storing most of my "stuff" and moving in with a close friend. My primary professional focus blew up as the industry collapsed-- and then, just at the beginning of our nation’s economic collapse, my ample income disappeared into an abyss.
WOW! "WHO AM I??" became my big question as I found myself struggling to move past the emptiness and the feeling that there was nothing left for me here on the Planet Earth. All my "roles" were gone and my "stuff" was minimized. I was not even BEING the person I had come to know myself to be. I had, seemingly, way too much of personal and psychic space to swim around in, and too much time to look at what was going on in and around me. I found it uncomfortable.
Luckily, I still had lots of love and support around me in my life, so I decided just to be patient with myself. I decided to simply be present with my FEAR that I did not know who I was anymore, that without all those people and things to define me I was nothing—instead of trying to run away or hide from it. It was VERY scary.
Eventually, I began to notice that another WHO I AM eased forward. I began to discover that who I REALLY am is defined by how I CHOSE to BE with myself and others in any given situation. I began to pay attention to how I spoke to people and how I acted with people, to the choices I made inside of me about all that. I pondered why I made those particular choices. Even when I was alone, I began to pay attention to how I thought and felt, how I chose to use my time, what I chose to think about and feel, how I interacted with myself & the "space" inside and around me, and, simply, what kind of relationship I chose to have with what was going on inside of me & in every area of my life all the time.
Neale Donald Walsch (in his book "Relationships") commented, "We all have a relationship (with) the circumstances . . . events, (and people) of our lives. And it is out of this relationship, which is entirely self-created, that we experience, announce, and declare, express, fulfill, and become, who we really are." He also noted, that "the purpose of (any) relationship . . . is simply putting something into it as a means of noticing who you really are."
SO-- when I didn't have my roles of parent, householder, small business owner, lover, facilitator and etc. to distract me anymore, I was able to OBSERVE my relationship with and to the circumstances, situations, events and people of my life. As I observed that, I became aware that what I was observing was ME. I was able to SEE more of WHO I REALLY AM and to see that more clearly than I do when my life is full of roles, people and things to do.
I was able to see that WHO I AM has nothing to do with the roles I play in my life, except in that I AM WHAT I AM all the time in every situation and with every person. I simply EXPRESS that through the roles I play, and the words and actions that I take. I AM the PRESENCE behind all that. I AM the FORCE that moves all that out into the world as my creations, relationships, situations, circumstances, accomplishments, and etc... AND no matter what happens to those creations (since nothing here is guaranteed nor definite nor permanent nor even really predictable or controllable because there are so many other forces and people involved), I am always HERE, OKAY and ME.
FOR ME, this is the process of SELF-REALIZATION-- when I began to become AWARE -- to REALIZE-- WHO I AM. I am not positive this is what all the “Teachers and Masters” mean when they use those words (self-realization). But, that is what it feels like to me, as I am doing this process. I am REALIZING myself.
I also contemplate that the action of being the Being I have found myself to be AT ITS BEST in all my thoughts, feelings, words and actions-- might be SELF-ACTUALIZATION. I fully recognize that I have not in the past always chosen to be my Best Self, or to act out of that part of me, though I come pretty close sometimes. I also know there have been times I have failed miserably and allowed the most negative, darkest aspects of me to choose my words and actions. AND, I think that as I become more aware of all the aspects of myself, and gain more comfortableness with them as I seem to do when I am in the "observer" role I am developing, I will be able to CHOOSE even more consistently to do, say and be the better parts of me-- the God-Me-- the HU-man.
"I am not defined by these walls; I am defined by who I am."
WOW-- I was moved by that statement. It represented a huge amount of personal freedom in this woman and also a willingness to be totally accountable for her life, despite many limitations.
I found myself contemplating how sometimes I am tempted to let challenging circumstances define me, and how likely it is that many people are doing that same thing right now as they lose their jobs, homes, money and etc. It is very easy in the midst of all that loss to think that one has also lost one's identity-- or that since that “stuff” is gone, one's “self” is gone also. After all, if one hasn't practiced defining oneself by something other than "things," positions or roles-- it can be pretty darn empty and scary without them.
I had the experience over the last few years of losing many things I identified with as "Who I Am." Several close friends died over a two year period. I lost my mom and my sister. I experienced the intense and painful break-up of a long term relationship after discovering my partner had lied to me and cheated for a very long time (destroying even my perception of him and what we had had together). All that was interspersed with six months of pneumonia and a year struggling with the lingering after-effects of that (so my usual state of health was gone). Then my youngest child decided to move into her own place. I sold my home of 24 years, storing most of my "stuff" and moving in with a close friend. My primary professional focus blew up as the industry collapsed-- and then, just at the beginning of our nation’s economic collapse, my ample income disappeared into an abyss.
WOW! "WHO AM I??" became my big question as I found myself struggling to move past the emptiness and the feeling that there was nothing left for me here on the Planet Earth. All my "roles" were gone and my "stuff" was minimized. I was not even BEING the person I had come to know myself to be. I had, seemingly, way too much of personal and psychic space to swim around in, and too much time to look at what was going on in and around me. I found it uncomfortable.
Luckily, I still had lots of love and support around me in my life, so I decided just to be patient with myself. I decided to simply be present with my FEAR that I did not know who I was anymore, that without all those people and things to define me I was nothing—instead of trying to run away or hide from it. It was VERY scary.
Eventually, I began to notice that another WHO I AM eased forward. I began to discover that who I REALLY am is defined by how I CHOSE to BE with myself and others in any given situation. I began to pay attention to how I spoke to people and how I acted with people, to the choices I made inside of me about all that. I pondered why I made those particular choices. Even when I was alone, I began to pay attention to how I thought and felt, how I chose to use my time, what I chose to think about and feel, how I interacted with myself & the "space" inside and around me, and, simply, what kind of relationship I chose to have with what was going on inside of me & in every area of my life all the time.
Neale Donald Walsch (in his book "Relationships") commented, "We all have a relationship (with) the circumstances . . . events, (and people) of our lives. And it is out of this relationship, which is entirely self-created, that we experience, announce, and declare, express, fulfill, and become, who we really are." He also noted, that "the purpose of (any) relationship . . . is simply putting something into it as a means of noticing who you really are."
SO-- when I didn't have my roles of parent, householder, small business owner, lover, facilitator and etc. to distract me anymore, I was able to OBSERVE my relationship with and to the circumstances, situations, events and people of my life. As I observed that, I became aware that what I was observing was ME. I was able to SEE more of WHO I REALLY AM and to see that more clearly than I do when my life is full of roles, people and things to do.
I was able to see that WHO I AM has nothing to do with the roles I play in my life, except in that I AM WHAT I AM all the time in every situation and with every person. I simply EXPRESS that through the roles I play, and the words and actions that I take. I AM the PRESENCE behind all that. I AM the FORCE that moves all that out into the world as my creations, relationships, situations, circumstances, accomplishments, and etc... AND no matter what happens to those creations (since nothing here is guaranteed nor definite nor permanent nor even really predictable or controllable because there are so many other forces and people involved), I am always HERE, OKAY and ME.
FOR ME, this is the process of SELF-REALIZATION-- when I began to become AWARE -- to REALIZE-- WHO I AM. I am not positive this is what all the “Teachers and Masters” mean when they use those words (self-realization). But, that is what it feels like to me, as I am doing this process. I am REALIZING myself.
I also contemplate that the action of being the Being I have found myself to be AT ITS BEST in all my thoughts, feelings, words and actions-- might be SELF-ACTUALIZATION. I fully recognize that I have not in the past always chosen to be my Best Self, or to act out of that part of me, though I come pretty close sometimes. I also know there have been times I have failed miserably and allowed the most negative, darkest aspects of me to choose my words and actions. AND, I think that as I become more aware of all the aspects of myself, and gain more comfortableness with them as I seem to do when I am in the "observer" role I am developing, I will be able to CHOOSE even more consistently to do, say and be the better parts of me-- the God-Me-- the HU-man.
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