Gratitude

Thank you for this day,
for these friends, for this life.

It is a Gift—
I have threatened many times
To return to You—

Unknowing,
Ungrateful,
Ignorant of Who I Am
And of what this life can be.
And always You
sit patiently with me—
waiting
for me to realize how Blessed
I Am.
By your Hands. . .

From Your Heart to Mine.

Playing

Most Precious One. . .
Why do I resist you so?

You Embrace me--
And like a little scared child,
I push you away,
Laughing as I
Run off to play with my friends,
Skinning my knees
Along the way.

Then I fall down again and cry. . .
”God—
This is a GAME.

Why isn’t it more fun?
Why is there so much at stake.
Why does it hurt so much to fall down?
Why is getting back up so HARD?”

Then I turn around and you aren’t there
Or, at least, I can’t see you through my tears.

I feel angry and confused.

So You reach out and touch me,
To get my attention—and I crawl back up on Your Knee,
And You comfort me again—

Knowing I will squirm away again,
And run to play,

Giggling as I wipe away my tears.

Here

Being,
Here,
Is taunting me
Seeming more real than
The Reality
I know inside myself. . .
Reality as I know it to be
From the Other Side.

People here can seem
As Real as the Beings of Light that
Stand with me
Stand for me
Through the Darkness. . .
In the Dark. . .
They have ALWAYS stood for me
Here.

So I wouldn’t be SCARED.
People here have not always been so predictable
Nor present.

Who am I?
Who are you?
All of you.
Light Beings
Being Light.

I love you,
No matter Who you are,
No matter what.

Self-Loving

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

“I am a good person. I deserve good things”—the thoughts drifted through my Mind. I was overwhelmed by a sense of abundance as I stood looking out over the flowers and vegetables I had planted that were now growing contentedly in the damp earth.

My thoughts expanded to include awareness of my children, my friends, the people I had touched in my life . . . people I had given to. Tears came to my eyes as I stepped back into the kitchen and murmured words of appreciation to my partner as he labored over our kitchen renovation. Even that action triggered deep appreciation in me for the way I support and value the people I interact with every day. I wept as I spontaneously experienced the Radiance of my own Beingness and the Beauty of my own Soul.

Ego-istic? No, it was definitely not an ego position, definitely not an ego awareness of myself. THAT perception of me is often critical and acknowledging only of my shortcomings. I had stated my daily intention on-line just moments before I stepped into my garden. My Daily Intention was – “to receive, to acknowledge, to enjoy the Loving and Support that is always present for me in my life.” At the time I wrote those words, I had been thinking in terms of “outside in”—that is, of the loving and support that other people offer to me every day, that I thought I might be overlooking.

I was not expecting the Loving and Support to flood me from the Inside Out. I did not realize that I was the One whose love, support, acknowledgment and appreciation I had been missing. I hadn’t seen that that loving and support was the only loving and support that really mattered to me, the only sustenance that could fill me up completely. Indeed my own adoration and approval were things I craved to the Core of my Beingness. And, until that moment, when all that appreciate of myself had come rushing through me in response to the Intent I had set, I had not known for sure and unequivacobly that I am a good person and deserving of good things, most especially my own Loving.

How often is that true of all of us? How often do we look out into the world for loving and support and then feel frustrated because either we don’t get it or we are not able to perceive it because it doesn’t look, feel or sound like we thought it would. (“You are the only one on the planet who knows how to love you exactly the way you need to be loved.” J-R Hinkins) How often do we actually miss whatever love and support might be coming in from the world because we are so busy judging and evaluating ourselves, and finding ourselves lacking in some way? Or, best case scenario, how often are we simply so busy loving and supporting others that we simply forget to share some of that “Soul/Heart Nutrition” with ourselves?

So, my question to myself became: “How can I make my own loving and support more available to myself? How might any of us do that at any time?” The question boggled my mind for a moment, and then I realized that the answer was present for me within the context of my own life. I have many loving relationships with others in my world. I decided I would look at what I do to create those amazing relationships and do those same things with myself:

1. Say “I love you” a lot—by name, to my face, and at unexpected moments during the day. When I see myself reflected in the mirror or a window I am passing. . . when I am sitting or walking or working at my computer. . . before I go to sleep at night, these are all good times for me to murmur that phrase to myself with caring. “I love you.”

2. Acknowledge myself. Notice the good things I do as I do them . . . or when I remember I did them . . . or when I notice the results. . or when other people point them out. Pay attention to the things I do right and well and note them to myself consciously and out loud. “YAY ME! I did GOOD!”

3. Appreciate my GREAT traits and qualities, not just what I do. Notice what is cool about me, stuff that just is, that I have no control over. Hear it when other people comment on things they like about me. Really take all that in, instead of passing it off or denying it. Revel in it! Repeat it to myself:
“Wow—you look great!”
“You have such pretty eyes!”
“You are so SMART!”
“You are an AMAZING human being!”
“You have a great sense of humor!”
“You are so clever.”

4. Celebrate myself by giving myself all the same delightful experiences I give to others I love--flowers, chocolate, special moments, little gifts, walks in the park, dinner at my favorite restaurant, going to see that movie I want to see that no one else is interested in. Simply GIFT myself with reminders I am special and loved.

5. Enjoy BEING ME! The fact is, I cannot be anyone BUT myself this lifetime—so I may as well thoroughly ENJOY it, by choice! “I CHOOSE me! I am BLESSED to be me!! I am delighted by it! I own it! I love it! I appreciate everything about the “ME” experience! I may as well accept and HAVE FUN with that one aspect of my life I cannot change! Say it out loud-- “I LOVE BEING ME!”

SELF-LOVE— a love that, throughout history, has been portrayed as evil and the source of great harm between people. But really, is self-love bad? I would argue that it is not self-love, but rather the lack of it that moves people to do harm towards others. I would also note that self-loving, coupled with healthy empathy and compassion, is the Source of the ability to share GOODNESS with others. When self-love is borne and reflective of the Love of one’s Soul for one’s human self, we become more capable of loving other human beings, and of sharing the fullness of loving we experience and carry within ourselves with them, without fear of loss or “not-enoughness.” When we are happy and full within ourselves, when we feel safe and content with our own inner relationship, we become more capable of loving others and we have more good stuff to give. When our own cup is full, because we have filled it with our own “love and affection,” we have LOTS of extra to share!

ALL I SEE IS PART OF ME. . .

I was searching on-line to buy a children's book to give my grandson this morning-- a book called "All I See is Part of Me," by Chara Curtis. I found myself saying the title over and over as I did my Google search. After repeating that phrase in mind my twenty-five or thirty times, I had an “ah-ha” moment when I really “got” how true that title is-- all I see IS part of me.

As a psychologist, one thing I recognize is that I, and people in general, only judge and rail against qualities, actions and situations we aren’t willing to own in ourselves. For example, my pet peeve for years was ANGER. I just couldn't understand how people could throw anger around in their relationships and in the world to the degree that they do. I couldn't “grok” violence or choosing to abuse other people. I judged other people mightily when they expressed their anger or did things I saw as violent.

Then one day, almost overnight, I reached a point in my life when, after participating in a long string of abusive relationships, I had allowed myself to get so hurt that my anger just burst out of the psychological “closet” in which I had hidden it. Suddenly I was spewing anger; I was doing and saying hurtful things; I was being violent. I was appalled at my own expression, but at the time, I really couldn’t stop it. It seemed beyond my control. (Of course, it wasn’t, but it had grown so large while hidden in my “closet,” it felt too big to control.)

That time has passed for me. With a lot of self-examination and therapy, I was able to come to terms with that dark place in my psyche. I am now much more my usual peace-filled, loving, kind self . . . but what I learned from that challenging period of my life has stayed with me. I realized as I worked through all those feelings, that I had JUDGED other people's anger and violence BECAUSE I had a deep pocket of it inside of me I wouldn’t acknowledge nor have anything to do with, so I was only seeing it “out there.”

I had had a pretty nasty childhood. As I grew up, I promised myself I would never be like the people around me, abusing and hurting others. I decided I would ALWAYS be loving and “nice,” no matter what. To accomplish that, I simply hid what would have been NORMAL responses to being mistreated and hurt. I did not even acknowledge that such responses . . . like hurt and anger . . . existed inside of me; which seemed to work in a way. But the choice on my part to ignore those feelings and taking a “blind eye” to the transgressions against me by those who should have been caretaking and loving me, did not really make the reality of the way I was being treated nor my very human responses to that go away. Instead, those dark feelings inside of me got bigger and bigger over the years, no matter how much of a Light Being I tried to be. And since I was very busy pretending no abuse and no bad feelings had happened, I continued to repeat relationship patterns that mirrored my primary childhood relationships. Yucky.
Then one day I hit the "tipping point." An act of true ignorance and insensitivity against me by someone I loved and trusted implicitly released all of it. . . all the anguished hurt and all the raging angry feelings I had hidden, and hidden from, over the years. And when those feelings poured out of me, they came out somewhat “out of control” and inappropriately. They definitely came out in hostile, violent ways.

I was surrounded by loving family and friends at the time, who really understood what was happening for me because they had seen me allow the hurt and store the anger over the years. I also had access to some excellent counselors, who helped me understand the “dark” feelings I was so unfamiliar with. I learned what I had not learned growing up—that I needed to pay attention to the way people treat me and how I feel about the way they treat me. I need to notice whether or not, in all honesty, they are doing or saying hurtful things. If, indeed, their words and/or actions are damaging to me, I need to say “STOP,” tell them what my needs are, and if things don’t change, I need to be willing to leave. Simple, but effective. By finally seeing and feeling my anger and the hurt beneath it, I finally found a way of BEING in my life that keeps me safe, healthy and happy—so I don’t have to feel and be hurt and angry anymore.

PLUS—BIG BONUS-- I find that when I see people lashing out at other people, or being angry and hurtful as a way of being, or even being violent in their relationships with others and the world. . . I am more forgiving of them. I now understand the pain they are in. I know that deep down inside of them, buried under a lot of hurt and twisted reactions, they are essentially good people— Light Beings actually-- simply doing "bad" things out of wounded places inside of them. And they don't need my JUDGEMENTS. If anything they need my compassion and understanding-- and if I am in a position to SAFELY do it, I can offer them assistance.

Before I became aware of my own anger and the violent aspects of myself and the damaged places that lay underneath that, I felt frightened of other people’s aggressive actions when I perceived them. I felt the world was a profoundly scary place, and that I had no control over the violence certain human beings express. Now I find I feel “the Heart of life is good” (to quote John Mayer)—and that everyone here on the planet essentially wants the same things for themselves and others—to love and be loved, to be safe and extend safety, to survive and even to thrive in this place. And I see that even when people are expressing and acting in ways that seem to indicate the exact opposite. I know that no one really chooses to live in and from such a Dark place. Really, they have simply been hurt enough that they forget the place inside themselves that cares, the place where Light lives. AND the way to resurrect that Light place is not by pretending to be good nor by denying the hurt, but rather by being honest about those feelings and learning to communicate them and to work out ways of being in the world that take care of themselves, and take care of other people too.

Now, knowing all that, when I look out into the world and see a person or a group of people seemingly doing great harm to themselves and/or to others, and I find myself swimming in my self-righteous judgments of them—I have a process I use to move myself back into my Loving and Compassion.

1) When I find myself observing other people and judging them, I remind myself that “all I see is part of me.”

2) I look hard inside of myself to see if there is a part of me that is like the other person. . . maybe emotionally, maybe behaviorally, maybe just in what I fanaticize about saying or doing, or what I think and feel. If a similarity is not immediately clear-- I look around inside myself to see if there is a part of me that could be or behave that way, if I were “constructed” differently (psychologically), or if I had been raised the way that person was raised, or if I had lived in the situation that person lived or lives in. Usually, I can find a place inside of me where I can answer that question YES at the end of my introspection.

3) Then I forgive MYSELF for being that way-- either now or in the past, openly or covertly—now or somewhere in the vast Universe of past or future potentialities. And I accept that part of myself, I own it. I extend Loving to it. (From that position, I may also decide to work on myself to shift it, if it is an actual behavior or attitude that currently going on.)

4) Finally, I forgive the other person/people for being how they are and doing what they are doing.

5) If there is any action I need to take to insure my own safety, I take that. If I can contribute anything positive to the other person’s situation, and if that feels appropriate, I do that. Then I simply let it all go and get on with my life, doing good wherever I can—taking care of myself and helping to take care of others.

A man I greatly admire and a friend, John-Roger, noted, “When you forgive yourself your own stupidity, ignorance and lack of knowledge (or your own anger, hurt and violence), you forgive everybody else in the same instant. And at that moment, you're moving into enlightenment.” He also commented that if we could see into the Hearts of our enemies and experience their deepest hurts and fears, we would have nothing but Compassion and Forgiveness for them. I have found that it is also important to look into our own Hearts this way, with complete honestly and openness discerning our own deepest wounds. Once we do that and experience Compassion and Forgiveness for ourselves, having it for others just comes naturally.

FEAR GROWS IN DARKNESS

"Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light."
- Dorothy Thompson

I find this quote stirs something deep inside of me. When I first read it, I remembered being a little girl with gifts similar to the little boy in "A Sixth Sense" and having parents who wouldn't let me sleep with the light on. There were always Beings hovering in the shadows or drifting past and touching me lightly as I slept. "Bogeymen" they were to me at that time . . . though once I was older and had received the proper training, I learned to "turn the Light on" when they were around, both to protect myself-- and to clarify what/who they were and what they wanted or needed to be free and move on.

Then there were also my fears of this place, the Planet Earth-- fears of the anger, hurt, hatred, ignorance, insanity, lack . . . the Darkness that I perceived around me a lot of the time. Lately, as a result of the negative headlines about how those in power have been running our world, this fear has been as strong for me as it was when I was a little girl, watching and being at the mercy of a schizophrenic mother and alcoholic dads. In addition, observing the economic strife and its impact on people awakens in me the memory of being dropped off at an orphanage for four or five years because my grown-ups couldn't or didn't want to support me. It all shakes me to my core!

Sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and go to sleep-- all day . . . or for days at a time. But, while I do indulge myself sometimes in an extra long meditation or sleeping late, as with all my other fears, it seems to work better if I "Shine the Light" on these bogeymen-- and look them in the eye, "standing" with and for my little girl inside, letting her know that "we" are okay right now. I tell her often that I will walk with her through every "Valley of the Shadow of Death" that may come along for us here.

One thing I have learned in this lifetime is that no matter how Dark it may be here on this Planet-- and at times it is pretty Dark-- I always have the Light with me-- COS I AM THE LIGHT! All I have to do is CLAIM that for It to protect me, guide me and Light my way. It is my own focus on GOODNESS, KINDNESS and LOVING that keeps me safe. It is my desire and quest to see that in others and in circumstances that awakens and/or supports the Light in them and transforms them into the best that they can and were meant to be. My own DIVINITY protects me all the time-- and when I look through the eyes of my INNER GOD/GODDESS at everything and anything, everyone and anyone here-- IT IS ALL GOOD.

THERE I AM

I stop thinking
for a moment. . .
there I Am.

I do not react
with a feeling. . .
there I Am.

I do nothing
except breathe. . .
there I Am.

Quietly,
I find myself,
alone,
without distraction,
stimulation,
motivation,
or reason to live
beyond Being
Here.

All there is
is Me,
Here,
Now.

I Am.

"CRAZY" ????

"Crazy keeps you from going insane, and it is God's way of getting you to crack up, as in smile and laugh, at yourself and the situation." ~ John-Roger Hinkins

A small-minded man I know recently called a woman I love, “a nut-case." I found his label annoying, since, while he is a creative musician, he is clearly under-developed in his awareness of people and the Universe in a particular way. Anything he doesn't understand, that doesn't fit in his box, that isn't the "norm" gets neatly labeled "crazy" and tucked away in his “nut-case” box forever. Isn't that what so many people do with so many people they just don't "grok." And isn't that what so many people do with ways of life, ideas and concepts that don't match their own? They simply label them WRONG. And "crazy" is a really easy way to make someone or something wrong, because our culture doesn't value "craziness" and doesn’t realize how important some of that state can be to being healthy.

As both a psychologist and a minister, I have found that sometimes, as people do Inner Work to break free of the mental and emotional cages they find themselves imprisoned in, they must explore aspects of themselves that other people simply hide from. Through this self-exploration, they learn about themselves and often become better people-- healthier, stronger and more compassionate. There is a wonderful quote by Maya Angelou in which she suggests (paraphrased) that we "invite our Demons in for tea or soup. . . and get to know them better. . . become friends with them," if we are ever to completely know ourselves and find True Peace and Compassion.

Rumi also spoke frequently of "madness" as being a legitimate and necessary aspect of one’s search for and finding of a deeply personal, intimate relationship with Spirit and Oneness with the Beloved. Take for example the following poem:

“The nafs is a sea of calm until it roars.
The nafs is a Hell that radiates little heat.
The nafs is an ankle-deep river you drown in.
Better to be ignorant of worldly concerns,
better to be mad and flee from self-interest,
better to drink poison and spill the water of life,
better to revile those who praise you,
and lend both the capital and the interest to the poor,
forgo safety and make a home in danger.
Sacrifice your reputation and become notorious.
I have tried caution and forethought;
from now on I will make myself mad.”~Rumi

Perhaps being "crazy"-- or a "nut-case," as this person described my friend-- is simply a matter of being sane enough, sensitive enough and "free" enough to explore, express and BE outside the box that so many people, including, obviously, even some artistic, seemingly "creative" people inhabit. Perhaps it is simply about being a big enough person to embrace all aspects of one’s self, including those that are somewhat uncomfortable and “dark.” And perhaps it is having the courage to not always match other people’s models.

I find that as I have become older-- more mature, healed and Whole-- and more attuned to and aligned with What Is, I have simply stopped labeling people so randomly. I look for the Best and the Good in everyone. I try to find qualities to enjoy about people, even if I do not necessarily understand them. I withhold my judgment of what is "normal," right and good more and more often, because I am acutely aware that I may not be seeing the whole picture. I allow room for the possibility that there may be something about the person or situation that is outside my range of experience and my value judgments.

John-Roger Hinkins also noted that if we could see into the deepest corners of our enemies’ Hearts, indeed the darkest corners of their Souls, we would have nothing but Compassion for them-- so why not have that Compassion, even if we are not able to peer that far into another person's Beingness. We can CHOOSE, even in OUR darkness, to have that big of a Heart . . . to be that Divine.

BEING HAPPY

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections” ~ Anonymous

Sometimes lately, I find myself consumed by the weight of pain and misery I perceive in the world. I feel afraid for my own well-being and that of my children and loved ones. I worry that we may suffer irreparable harm, and that we may be defeated in our quest for abundance, happiness and peace. I am overwhelmed with the sense that the world is a mean, scary, unloving, unsupportive place—and that I can do nothing to change that. I ask myself repeatedly how I can continue to live here, when life consistently falls so short of my expectations. I even wonder how we can continue to survive as a planet if we continue doing as we are doing.

Depression. Hopelessness. Despair. I feel these inside of me and hear similar feelings expressed by those around me. As a psychologist, I understand these feelings, and as a human being I find them just as challenging to deal with as my clients and friends do. But in these times of great challenge, I have delineated a way to come to terms with these dark feelings and to deal with difficult situations more effectively. I have found a way to thrive even when life is not “occurring” as I would prefer.

STEP ONE: Acknowledge what is going on—don’t run from it. Don’t try to hide. Sit down. Take a deep breath and simply focus on whatever is going on in life that is disturbing you. Observe everything, but without judging or trying to “fix” it. Notice how you feel and what you are thinking. Just BE with the situation exactly the way it is.

STEP TWO: Change your focus—look around and notice nice things around you. Feel the air on your skin. Notice the daffodil breaking through the soil nearby. Perhaps there are children laughing or a bird singing that you can hear. Notice your environment and the beauty that is innately present in it.

Count your blessings, whatever those might be. Perhaps a starting point is being grateful that you can hear that bird or see the daffodil. Perhaps the blessings in your life include a loving family, a great mate, a job you love, a nice dog, a home. Perhaps your blessings are different than those, but whatever your blessings are, take a moment to notice them. Simply pay attention to all the Goodness in your life for a few minutes and “fill your cup.”

Then express Gratitude for all of it—on paper, out loud or in your mind. The purpose of this step is to BALANCE the weight of the negativity you have been witnessing or experiencing. Doing this will shift your mental/emotional perspective. The situations in your life that have been troubling you will still exist, but they won’t be so in the forefront of your thoughts.

STEP THREE: Acknowledge your lack of CONTROL—come present with your “powerlessness.” We have heard this from every 12-step program. Here it is again. CONTROL has been called “the MASTER ADDICTION.” I have found that to be a pretty accurate statement. In all truthfulness, most of us would like to control everyone and everything in our lives, perhaps in hopes of preventing loss, lack, fear or pain from touching our world. But-- also in all truthfulness-- we have little to no control over many circumstances in the world. We cannot control the spin of the earth on its axis, the climate, the rhythms of nature, the flow of time, aging, taxes and death. We cannot control the thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions or reactions of the people around us, whether they be our loved ones or our cohorts and leaders at work or in the world. It doesn’t matter that we think we might see a better path for the world or others to take or a more effective way of doing things; the world just keeps on spinning the way it spins. People keep doing the things they need or want to do, learning what they learn and creating what they create for themselves. Most situations and circumstances that impact us (directly or indirectly), often originate to a large degree outside our personal sphere of influence (i.e.: the collapse of the job market and/or housing industry, loved ones’ deaths, the economy and political environment, the outcome of loved ones’ relationships, other people’s decisions, etc. , etc.).

SO, to me, at some point, we need to acknowledge that we are NOT IN CHARGE of everything. Even if we are as conscious, responsible and accountable as we can possibly bring ourselves to be, we are not creating most events and circumstances that happen to and around us, so we cannot UNcreate them either.

STEP FOUR: Take action in the areas that are yours to handle. Whatever any given situation calls for you to do, simply do it. Accept what is going on and surrender to doing what is required of you. Do it and do it as well as you can.

STEP FIVE: Be empowered in the areas you can control. Enjoy what you are doing. Love the place you find yourself in as much as possible. Think good thoughts about whatever is going on. Look for the hidden gifts, learning experiences and unexpected blessings that might be present in unpleasant circumstances. Adjust your perception so you can feel okay about whatever is going on.

Laugh a lot, even if nothing seems funny. Find the humor that is present, though often hidden, in most situations.

Do things that make you happy—have another cup of great coffee, take your dog for a walk, meditate, kiss, read a good book, take a long bubble bath or whatever it is that reminds you that life here can be de-Light-full!

Do Good wherever you can. Love and encourage the people around you as they go through their hard times. Assist them if you have the resources to do that. Do service in bigger arenas if that is available.

Make sure that your personal world stays as fun, safe, loving and healthy as possible– and share that with your loved ones, family and friends. Take care of YOURSELF, so you can help take care of others. Nurture your own ten acres, so you can be a point of solace, sanity and laughter for others when they need that.

“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything in Life is perfect. It means that I have seen the imperfections and decided to look beyond them,” focusing instead on the inherent Beauty, Loving and Goodness of Life.

Indeed, recently, I have decided it is enough to simply be happy, just as I am, and just as Life is.

And after that-- I do what I can.

WHO AM I?

I was chatting with a friend of mine this AM. She was telling me about a project she is part of that involves doing personal growth work with inmates of a prison. She was telling me about one woman who has impressed her. She mentioned a comment the woman had made:

"I am not defined by these walls; I am defined by who I am."

WOW-- I was moved by that statement. It represented a huge amount of personal freedom in this woman and also a willingness to be totally accountable for her life, despite many limitations.
I found myself contemplating how sometimes I am tempted to let challenging circumstances define me, and how likely it is that many people are doing that same thing right now as they lose their jobs, homes, money and etc. It is very easy in the midst of all that loss to think that one has also lost one's identity-- or that since that “stuff” is gone, one's “self” is gone also. After all, if one hasn't practiced defining oneself by something other than "things," positions or roles-- it can be pretty darn empty and scary without them.

I had the experience over the last few years of losing many things I identified with as "Who I Am." Several close friends died over a two year period. I lost my mom and my sister. I experienced the intense and painful break-up of a long term relationship after discovering my partner had lied to me and cheated for a very long time (destroying even my perception of him and what we had had together). All that was interspersed with six months of pneumonia and a year struggling with the lingering after-effects of that (so my usual state of health was gone). Then my youngest child decided to move into her own place. I sold my home of 24 years, storing most of my "stuff" and moving in with a close friend. My primary professional focus blew up as the industry collapsed-- and then, just at the beginning of our nation’s economic collapse, my ample income disappeared into an abyss.

WOW! "WHO AM I??" became my big question as I found myself struggling to move past the emptiness and the feeling that there was nothing left for me here on the Planet Earth. All my "roles" were gone and my "stuff" was minimized. I was not even BEING the person I had come to know myself to be. I had, seemingly, way too much of personal and psychic space to swim around in, and too much time to look at what was going on in and around me. I found it uncomfortable.

Luckily, I still had lots of love and support around me in my life, so I decided just to be patient with myself. I decided to simply be present with my FEAR that I did not know who I was anymore, that without all those people and things to define me I was nothing—instead of trying to run away or hide from it. It was VERY scary.

Eventually, I began to notice that another WHO I AM eased forward. I began to discover that who I REALLY am is defined by how I CHOSE to BE with myself and others in any given situation. I began to pay attention to how I spoke to people and how I acted with people, to the choices I made inside of me about all that. I pondered why I made those particular choices. Even when I was alone, I began to pay attention to how I thought and felt, how I chose to use my time, what I chose to think about and feel, how I interacted with myself & the "space" inside and around me, and, simply, what kind of relationship I chose to have with what was going on inside of me & in every area of my life all the time.

Neale Donald Walsch (in his book "Relationships") commented, "We all have a relationship (with) the circumstances . . . events, (and people) of our lives. And it is out of this relationship, which is entirely self-created, that we experience, announce, and declare, express, fulfill, and become, who we really are." He also noted, that "the purpose of (any) relationship . . . is simply putting something into it as a means of noticing who you really are."

SO-- when I didn't have my roles of parent, householder, small business owner, lover, facilitator and etc. to distract me anymore, I was able to OBSERVE my relationship with and to the circumstances, situations, events and people of my life. As I observed that, I became aware that what I was observing was ME. I was able to SEE more of WHO I REALLY AM and to see that more clearly than I do when my life is full of roles, people and things to do.

I was able to see that WHO I AM has nothing to do with the roles I play in my life, except in that I AM WHAT I AM all the time in every situation and with every person. I simply EXPRESS that through the roles I play, and the words and actions that I take. I AM the PRESENCE behind all that. I AM the FORCE that moves all that out into the world as my creations, relationships, situations, circumstances, accomplishments, and etc... AND no matter what happens to those creations (since nothing here is guaranteed nor definite nor permanent nor even really predictable or controllable because there are so many other forces and people involved), I am always HERE, OKAY and ME.

FOR ME, this is the process of SELF-REALIZATION-- when I began to become AWARE -- to REALIZE-- WHO I AM. I am not positive this is what all the “Teachers and Masters” mean when they use those words (self-realization). But, that is what it feels like to me, as I am doing this process. I am REALIZING myself.

I also contemplate that the action of being the Being I have found myself to be AT ITS BEST in all my thoughts, feelings, words and actions-- might be SELF-ACTUALIZATION. I fully recognize that I have not in the past always chosen to be my Best Self, or to act out of that part of me, though I come pretty close sometimes. I also know there have been times I have failed miserably and allowed the most negative, darkest aspects of me to choose my words and actions. AND, I think that as I become more aware of all the aspects of myself, and gain more comfortableness with them as I seem to do when I am in the "observer" role I am developing, I will be able to CHOOSE even more consistently to do, say and be the better parts of me-- the God-Me-- the HU-man.

FREEDOM

I found a quote today that seemed relevant to my process right now--

"The more fun you have, the more detached you can be from the circumstances of your life. You can cease to be obsessed by money, by how you look, by how you compare with other people, by your need for approval. You can still have fun in the midst of it all." ~ JR w/Paul Kaye

A friend and I were talking the other day about the irrelevancy of worrying about other people liking or loving you. I realized I used to do that a lot, and sometimes still fall into that pattern. When I am concerned about how I measure up to other people's standards, I find I am less comfortable with myself, less confident, less centered, less free-- and ultimately I have far less fun.

Whether other people like me, or love me, or respect me is never in my hands. It is in their hands. I am lucky in that I was blessed with a personality that most people like and enjoy-- and I try to do good with that. AND, funnily, when I care most about someone liking or loving me-- it seems to work less well. I think that is because I give up part of myself to the other person to earn their good graces. So I am less of “a person”—less of my Self-- than I am usually.

Lately, I find I care less about what other people think of me than what I THINK OF ME. I also care less about being loved than being loving. I care less about being liked and enjoyed than I care about liking and enjoying myself and my own life. And I am happier. . . and more fulfilled. An extra bonus is that I have more FUN, laughter, Lightness and joy inside of me and available to share with other people.

I am also more honest-- and I find somehow people like that a lot too. My honesty is often insightful. It is always REAL-- and people know where they stand with me all the time. My honest statements are often also funny; I think because what I say is so much a statement of "what is" that it makes people laugh. I also have more freedom when I am honest. I don't have to “try” to be someone I am not; trying takes a lot of effort. I don't have to watch what I say and/or do. I can just BE more of the time. Life is simpler and I have more energy for other things.

The interesting thing to me is that lately I have been experiencing myself as one of the wealthiest people I know. I am loved and surrounded by amazing people who adore me-- and who enjoy being with me and letting me be with and love them, just as I do that. I do not have to try at all to do anything "perfectly (as I would have felt I should in the past). I think that as I have gotten older, having survived some intense "challenges" by Life and Spirit, I have given up on being some ideal me that exists only as an image in my mind. I have moved more into alignment with the TRUEST aspects of WHO I AM—the natural state of Perfection that exists only when we are simply who we are, with no artifice. It is like PURITY of a sort, if that makes sense-- and for me that state, that way of Being, is innocent, profoundly fun and funny, and happy beyond belief. AND I can share with others just by being that for myself in my day-to-day life, whether I am by myself or with others.

So-- I found myself agreeing with the idea expressed in this quote-- that by focusing on having fun and enjoying my life, I will automatically attract those people capable of being in that place with me. Everyone else, all those who can't do that with me, will just drop away. And I will end up with even more Freedom to be who I AM.